I don’t know what to feel anymore. Everything is moving at a mile a minute and I just feel like I can’t keep up anymore. Some days I’m the happiest girl in the world, others I’m miserable and I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s like the snap of a finger, it happens so fast and for no reason at all. I just fall from cloud nine to the dirt within seconds. I can’t even explain it anymore. I’m just lonely, all the time. I have so many great people around me, yet I feel like I’m doing it on my own. I feel like I can’t turn to anyone to talk about it, the self harm, the not eating, the throwing up whatever I do eat… So many friends that I love and I’m terrified to tell anyone what’s going on. In a way, I don’t want to tell anyone, as much as I think I want to talk about it, I’d rather have it be a secret than have anyone make a fuss over me. I’m supposed to be the one making sure everyone is alright, giving advice, just being there for them and I feel like that’s who I am, not the girl that needs someone to take care of her. I guess I just don’t know where my head or my heart is right now. Every thing is confusing and I’m tired of feeling like shit all the time.
I haven’t written for a while, but with everything going on it seems like a good time to let it all out. Sometimes writing it all down just sorts out my thoughts a little bit. I did the one thing I swore I would never do. I cheated. I cheated on Chris and I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I always said I would never cheat, no matter the circumstances, I would never do it because that’s the worst thing you can do to someone you love. And I do love Christian, with all my heart, but I love Nate too. Being with him last night was the happiest I’ve been in months, I’ve never felt that beautiful in my entire life.
And then there’s Cassie, who absolutely hates me. She’s my best friend and I now she hates my guts. I can’t even blame her either, if I was in her position I would hate me too. She may have cheated as well, but not with her best friends boyfriend.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know what I want, and I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.
I hit rock bottom today. I’m done caring, I just need my music.
That’s all.
I wish I was a Disney princess. Life just looks so much easier… Singing birds that clean for you, the evil with or stepmother goes away, you get to be breathtakingly beautiful, you get the prince on the white horse. I don’t know… I’m just me though and I guess I can’t change that. I just want to be someone else; to have a mind not clogged up with all the sadness and this self-doubt… Maybe even love myself. That’s a foreign concept though… Loving myself. I don’t think there’s I’ve been a time I truly loved myself.
My mindset is so fucked up.
I stepped on the scale today and immediately regretted it. I’m currently 95 pounds and I know that’s too small but there’s still that little voice in my head telling me it’s not enough. Telling me I’m not skinny or pretty enough and I need to lose more. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I’m trying to get better, I’m really, really trying, but part of me is starting to doubt that I even can.
I don’t know how I spiraled downward this fast. I’ve felt like this before but I haven’t felt this depressed in so long. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, all I want to do is hibernate until I feel better, but who knows when that will be. The not eating thing has definitely gotten worse, I think I’m down to about 450 calories a day. The skin around my fingers is starting to get discolored, from the lack of nutrients my body is getting I suppose. I hate being so sad when I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I’m really stupid. Really, really stupid and I need to stop it.
I need to tell myself no one cares about my stupid problems so I should just suck it up. I mean, I’m supposed to be the girl everyone goes to with their problems, the girl that cheers everyone up when they’re sad and gives them advice, but how hypocritical is it when I’m a mess myself? I feel bad telling everyone to smile when my own is fake.
As far as cutting goes, I still haven’t for a while but it’s like my scars from previous times have disappeared and my wrists are a blank canvas… And I don’t know, the urge is just there more than usual right now.
I miss everyone at home, not just my parents, but my friends from home, and I miss my dogs and sleeping in my own bed. I refuse to leave Spellman though, no matter how sad I am, or how bad I want to go home sometimes, I love it here way too much to leave and I love the people way too much.
Suck it up, Riss.
The past few days… Or hours I suppose have been quite eventful. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. Everyone’s sad and I just don’t know how to help them anymore. I feel terrible. And other than that, I feel like a complete hypocrite telling people to be happy when I’m completely miserable. I wish I could truly tell people how I feel and not hide everything away because that seems to just mess it up even more inside my head. But at the same time, I don’t want any of that attention on me. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me and I’m scared if I say I’m said people are just going to say I want attention… That seems to be how things work around here whenever I open my mouth.
Either way, it just feels good to write it all down. I haven’t cut for a couple days but who knows how long that will last. I’ve been forcing myself to eat but every time I do I regret it and wish I hadn’t. I wonder what it feels like to just be happy.
Wow, I haven’t done one of these in a while, but now seems like a good time I suppose. I don’t really know what’s going on. I don’t understand why people act one way to my face and then say something terrible behind my back. I don’t think I’ve done anything to anyone, so why do they hate me? And I absolutely hate talking about my feelings. I don’t want to attract any more negative attention to myself, but at the same time I just want to scream. I just want someone to pick me up, hug me, and tell me they love me.
I don’t even know why I’m here anymore if no one likes me? Why do I say at a place where I’m not wanted. It makes me think about leaving, even though I really don’t want to because I love it here. I love most of the people (although I still don’t know who this secret person is that absolutely hates me). I think even more than myself, I’m sick of seeing my friends and my family get hate, that hurts even worse, I think, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it…
I guess I’m just sick of looking in the mirror and being disgusting, looking down at my wrists and just seeing red. I’m so sick of myself. I’m just sick. That’s all.
Today was easier than most, I got to catch up with my sister and my best friend a bit, which always makes me happy. I just can’t get rid of this feeling, that I hate myself. I hate the fact that I’m here all alone stuck with no one but myself and I can’t even stand my own presence. I can be perfectly happy and then walk past a mirror or spend too much time with my own thoughts and be right back in the deepest darkest hole of my mind again. I hate that Christian isn’t here too. It’s like, sometimes I don’t even want to be around him, but he’s there and then other times when I desperately need him to hug me and tell me it’s going to be ok, he’s nowhere in sight. Some days I really want to tell someone what I’m feeling, but I am terrified of the thought of someone else knowing what I’m doing to myself. I don’t want to attract any more bad attention to myself. God damn it, I wish I could just go back to when everything was simple. When boys had cooties, weight was just a number, depression was a foreign concept, and you got cuts from falling, not from taking a razor to your own wrists. Oh well, I need to stop dwelling and try to fall asleep, that’s really the only way to get away from myself and God knows I need that right now.
